We all say dumb things. Some of us more often than others. Everyone can think back to a time when you immediately regretted the words that escaped from your mouth. I think of comedian Brian Regan’s account of chatting with a woman where he mistakenly thought she was pregnant. “I think the rule is: Don’t guess at that ever, ever, ever, ever.... I don’t think I had enough of the “evers” memorized.” The spontaneity of living life moment by moment is fraught with potential verbal land mines. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to realize why most people prefer texting as opposed to real-time conversation: the opportunity to delete. 

21st century western culture loves to pounce on the wrong word at the wrong time. And what scares us to death is the very real possibility we’ll say something which offends or alienates someone. It doesn’t seem to be worth the risk.

This Saturday Deb and I attended the touching memorial service for Jeff Engler, the former UC Berkeley student and Pi Kappa Phi brother who passed away in December. We had known Jeff for a long time, as his family are good friends of ours from church. Maybe some of you knew him as well, since he had been to a handful of Cru events and Bible studies over the years. It’s stunning to realize we won’t have the opportunity to spend any more time with him. 

Sitting in the memorial service at the packed out San Leandro High School performing arts theater, tears flowed as we heard accounts of how Jeff had impacted their lives and how he had inspired so many in so few years. Former coaches, neighborhood chums and high school friends took turns recounting the good times. His life had touched many. We mentally recalled our first encounter with him years ago, as he and his cat tenderly entertained our then one-year-old Kate while we interacted with his parents. 

Ah.. the New Year… Which means a whole list of things I want to accomplish but probably never will. Like spending more time reading my bible, or being intentional with friends or getting back into a fitness routine… Sound familiar to you? The proverbial cycle of setting goals and watching them fade away. While my intentions are admirable, I catch myself getting swept away with the busyness of life and the new semester. 

Now I kind of have an adverse reaction to New Year’s resolutions… like I want to respond in a gif of Michael Scott screaming ‘No!’ over and over again to anyone who tries and asks me what my resolutions are. Is it the fear of failure or societal pressure to improve myself that I hate? Probably. I revolt at the first sign of pressure to conform to a certain way. It is pretty telling to be honest….. My natural condition is to be selfish and rebel. 

I feel like I haven’t been walking with God very well this break. It's hard to note why or how… Well actually, I could give you a lot of excuses why and how, but in reality, my heart is not open to God. My heart wanders as I fear and slowly churns anxieties in my mind. My heart drifts as I focus on myself and my eyes stay fixed on the circumstances encompassing me. My heart numbs as I try to get through the day, through hurts and anger, through confusion and disappointment. 

In these moments I feel a disconnect in my soul between what I know to be the gospel reality and the self-focused, narrow, and false reality that I live out of. One of my favorite authors at the moment, Ann Voskamp, puts it like this, “If I’m ruthlessly honest, I may have said yes to God, yes to Christianity, but really, I have lived the no.” I have lived the no. “No God, you are not in this.” “No God, you do not have a plan.” “No God, you do not love me.” I have lived the no this week. 

This morning I woke up to a rush of questions racing through my mind: Why isn’t God answering any of these prayers? What if this thing I really want doesn’t come? What does my family really think of me? Am I failing at being a friend? Why do I feel so alone? And while insecurities are a normal, everyday battle for me, the exceptional resilience of my fears and discontentment brings me to one conclusion: It must be Christmas.

There is something extraordinary about the way the holidays bring everything to extremes. They intensify every emotion, heighten expectations, and bring the worst and best out in people. Lattes become extra sweet, dull topics become especially controversial, Christmas songs go from eliciting smiles to bringing forth groans in about the span of two weeks. Your heart can experience overflowing generosity and overwhelming stinginess at the same time. And something about holidays can make messy things messier and hard things harder.